Wayne Rooney a ‘sentient potato’


The latest injury blow to Manchester United and England captain Wayne Rooney has led startled medical professionals to find that he is actually a potato masquerading as a human being.

Rooney picked up a knee injury in United’s loss away to Sunderland and subsequently faced six weeks on the sidelines, however, bigger question marks now hang over his future.

“He scores a lot of goals so he is very important for us. The news that he is a potato does not matter to me.” said manager Louis van Gaal.

Leading scientists, reasearchers and other critical thinkers have been quick to assert that this issue raises ‘major talking points’ for our understanding of life and consciousness as we know it.

“This is no longer just a matter for discussion in a sporting context, a revelation such as this is earth shattering, it’s truly historic.

I really can’t emphasize enough how important it is that you all realise this.” implored philosopher Ava Tinkaboutit.

“As crucial as you may believe his presence to be for Manchester United’s end of season run-in, this ‘man’ is a literal potato. He needs to be studied.”

Fans of the club have been less shocked by the news,

“There’s been times this season when I’ve said to the lad it looks like he’s grown roots up top. You hear that, I says to the lad, at times it looks like he’s grow roots up the top. You know, because he don’t move around a lot.

As long as he’s scoring goals he can be black, brown, pink or a potato for all I care.”

The news has come as a blow to the Harley Street Clinic however, after Rooney’s supposed transplant of 2011 brought the hair specialists what would now appear to be undue praise and publicity.

It is instead believed now that the sprouting is actually said to have occurred after his wife Coleen left him in the back of the cupboard accidentally.