Really Like Football’s Weekend Preview

Hyperbole exhausted ahead of El Clásico.

Contrary to reports from sportswear manufacturers and television networks, heralding it as the single most important event in human history, it transpires that this weekend’s ‘El Clásico’ is a football match.

It remains to be seen however, if self-righteous football aficionados will continue to enforce the viewing of what has been described as ‘an often dour encounter’, or finally admit that they’d rather watch any old Premier League game instead.

Raheem ‘only after the’ Sterling, to be found out this weekend.

With his Liverpool future still up for discussion, Sunday evening’s crunch tie against rivals Manchester United will see Raheem Sterling revealed as either a lazy, money grabbing cancer that doesn’t know how easy these modern day footballers have it, or a talented, exciting young player who deserves a better contract given his relative market-value.

Bitter ex-professionals, unhappy that they were playing in a time before a financially rotund mass media attached itself to the sport, will be on hand to share the hard truths that the player/club (delete as applicable) need to hear.

Come on England.

The dramatic conclusion of the Six Nations Rugby tournament will see an inevitable division in the footballing community. On one side, those beside themselves to make it absolutely, perfectly clear that they “really couldn’t give less of a fuck about the fucking egg chasing mate” (despite being really happy when England probably win it) will face off in a battle of faux-moral indignation against those who will claim to have watched the entire tournament from start to finish (despite having obviously only watched the last ten minutes of the final England game) thus affording them the divine right to lord it over any ‘fair weathers’ that  display the tiniest shred of joy about the outcome, to decide who is truly the most vacuous.

It is thought that whatever the outcome, either party will exercise the right to make startlingly unoriginal jokes about the Welsh and Scottish.