Martin Samuel Comes Out as Barton’s Biggest Fan

After a decade spent lurking in the shadows of denial, alpha-male football journo Martin Samuel has stepped out of the closet in what has been described as a ‘watershed moment’ in British sporting journalism.

The portly hack sent shockwaves through the sporting world this Tuesday by coming out with a heartfelt declaration of his deep admiration for Joey Barton as a player, philosopher and wholesome family man.



With his trade-mark ‘designer’ stubble and floppy salon-styled hair, Samuel’s aggressive journalistic style has long seen him affectionately dubbed ‘Papa Bear’ by close friends and acquaintances. But writing in uncharacteristically fruity prose in his regular column, Samuel revealed his secretive soft-side, citing his near-obsessive zeal for the player as even extending to his bedroom, which is adorned with Joey Barton bedsheets, a signed shirt and a lock of his hair, which he keeps under his pillow.

In further revelations, a report handed to Really Like Football last night contained evidence to suggest that Samuel has even admitted to close friends that for the past four years he has been chairing Barton’s unofficial fan club in disguise, attending in a pink skirt and Dolly Parton wig, and going by the name of Wanda Valentine.

Facing questions from the ‘Twitterati’ on his personal account, Samuel commented “Jst feels gd 2 get dis all out in da open FINALLY. Weight=LIFTED. Life begins again from today” Before dismissing the inevitable trolls with admirable defiance “2 all u h8rz out dere. GET A LIFE!!!!!Dis is who I am. DEAL WITH IT.”

The outburst is made all the more curious, coming just days after his recent spat with Barton, in which he dedicated an entire column to bizarre, thinly-veiled playground taunting of the father of one and married man regarding his sexuality. The episode has described by twelve-year old Arsenal fan, Henry Wells, as “Haha! This is one of his typically sharp, devilishly subtle and hilarious put-downs, kind of like at school when you call someone gay again and again and again, and even make a song out of it, and it’s so funny and all the other kids laugh and sing along because he’s being called a gay, which is just, like, so funny, the big gayer!’

Barton, who has spoken in a commendably open fashion about homophobia within the footballing establishment, was unavailable for comment.

By Freddie Sutton

Freddie is a self-proclaimed crispologist with a passion for all things savoury.

In his spare time he likes to go on long walks and collect conkers.

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