Steven Gerrard to be Taught ‘how to count more good’
Intense speculation this evening suggests that Liverpool are set to send club scarecrow, Steven Gerrard, to a ‘Key Stage boot camp,’ in the hope that he will gain the basic numeracy skills required to accurately insult an opposition team.
Following on from this weekend’s Merseyside derby, Gerrard took it upon himself to launch a stinging attack on the reds “inferior” rivals Everton, claiming that Liverpool are “much, much better”.
The combative midfielder-cum-jukebox guardian, went on to compare the Toffees with “Stoke City” lambasting their “long ball tactics”.
Despite statistical proof showing Everton as having held a greater amount of possession, and having completed more short passes over the 90 minutes than the Reds, Gerrard held firm.
An unnamed club official has spoken to Really Like Football this evening, to shed some light on the decision.
“Following on from the recent tenure of Kenny Dalglish, Liverpool Football club are determined to ensure that when speaking to the press, players and officials are adequately coached in order to prevent us from looking like a bunch of clueless twats.”
The intensive course is said to encompass a variety of teaching methods, including the advanced ‘number, repeat number, laugh’ as employed by Sesame Street’s ‘The Count’.