Ugly Scenes in Serbia not so Ugly says Fan

England’s Under-21 victory in Krusevac last night, has this morning plunged UEFA into the depths of controversy following reports of widespread violence and racist abuse toward England players and staff at the final whistle.

An already hostile environment was further heightened after oafish striker Connor Wickham’s 90th minute winner granted the visitors all three points, and qualification to next summer’s European Championships.

Many members of the Serbian playing and coaching staff reacted angrily, with physical confrontations breaking out on the pitch, in full view of the visiting television cameras. Further conflicts escalating in the tunnel have also been reported.

But more harrowing than this were the widespread, documented accounts of racist, ‘monkey’ noises being hurled  from the crowd at Tottenham youngster Danny Rose. To add insult to injury, Rose was then sent off, seemingly for kicking the ball into the crowd in frustration.

With the English press up in arms about the treatment of their upcoming stars, a prominent Serbian supporter has spoken out in defence of his countrymen and women. Balaclava clad and speaking from atop the rusted husk of a soviet tank, Bogdan Ivanstroganov addressed the gathered press and various other Serbian supporter representatives.

“In Serbia we take two things very seriously. Potatoes and football. Potatoes help us with eatings and wodka, and football helps us to experience some joy after we were not allowed to do the killings of the Bosnia any more.”

When pressed as to why fervent support had to incorporate racism, Bogdan was quick to cite a case of ‘crossed wires’.

“Many people do not understand that a monkey in Serbia is not a bad thing. Everyone loves monkeys. Michael Jackson had the Bubbles that the West Ham sing about, you never hear anyone say that West Ham fans are racist for singing about monkeys! The little monkey in Aladdin as well, we all loved Aladdin, who doesn’t? We often sing a Whole New World from the terraces. Some say it’s girly, but then they disappear and do not say that again eh? If we make the monkey noise we just mean ‘hey there, we like you man. You seem like a cool kinda guy.’ Something like that”

The short press conference came to an abrupt halt as Bogdan began firing the AK-47, casually slung over his shoulder, at a passing coach load of Chinese tourists.

“They’re here! Invasion! Invasion!” he was heard shouting in his mother tongue, as he ran after the vehicle in question.