BREAKING NEWS: Updates from Team Space Jump HQ

00:01 (local time) – Felix Baumgartner arrives in Roswell, New Mexico to make last minute inspections of his launch pod.

00:23 – Team Space Jump chairman Walter Anchor has spoken out ahead of today’s event “Felix is very, very brave. This is history in the making. If we sell a few additional power drinks, so be it, but this is for man kind. But golly gosh am I tired, if only I had a tasty, yet energizing soft drink to keep me going at this time”.

01:25 – Adverse weather effects have seen Team Space Jump abandon their attempt at launching a human from 120,000 feet above the earth, several times already. Forecast is clear for today.

02:25 – The space pod is now in position ahead of launch. The eerie quiet around Team Space Jump HQ, is only broken by a cacophonous breaking of wind coming from the lavatories, as pilot Baumgartner enjoys a pre-jump poo.

04:56 – Crowds of people are now gathering to watch the historic launch of Team Space Jump’s capsule.

05:42 – The technical team are now making their final checks to the capsule before…wait, what is this? It appears as though Chelsea and former England captain John Terry has arrived on location.

05:50 – More on the Terry story, as he arrives in full kit, including shin pads. It’s believed that he is actually demanding he take the place of Baumgartner on today’s jump

05:57 – “I just want to make amends with humanity, especially the black ones. It’s my duty to do this.”

06:24 – It seems as though Felix Baumgartner will step aside and let Terry complete the jump on his behalf. Sources close to RLF allege that this may have something to do with Baumgartner’s wife being present at HQ.

06:37 – John Terry’s father christens the capsule “White Hope” cracking a bottle of supermarket lager against it in ceremonial fashion.

07:00 – Launch is successful, John Terry ascends toward the heavens to complete his historic mission.

07:27 – 87, 000 feet and the live communication feed between the capsule and the millions watching at home has had to be cut after a host of complaints have been issued about Terry’s use of foul language and general abhorrent topics of conversation.

07:36 – back on earth, John Terry’s mother has been detained in a petrol station service centre close to HQ. Local PD are keeping tight lipped on accusations of shop lifting.

07:48 – 112,000 feet now sees Terry pass the marker of the highest, manned balloon flight to date.

07:57 – Colin and Bradley from Team Space Jump seem to have broken out into a nervous argument. Panic is spreading throughout HQ as rumours that Baumgartner is actually still wearing the parachute supposed to be on the capsule with Terry.

08:12 – It seems that Team Space Jump’s fears have been confirmed, there is no parachute aboard the capsule. Absolute disaster. Terry’s family seem somewhat nonplussed since they heard that there was a free bar in Team Space Jump HQ.

09:30 – As word spreads around the globe of Terry floating off into space, wild celebrations break out. North and South Korean troops are dancing together on the border. The Bloods and the Crips are throwing all their bandannas into a massive washing machine and will be from this point on be called ‘Team Purple’. The Conservative party have decided to reopen the mines. All religious leaders have come together declaring “do what you want people, as long as you’re nice to one another.” Dogs are mating with cats, Blur and Oasis have formed a super band and last we checked, Man United vs Tottenham was still ongoing. The London team still winning 3-2 after two and a bit weeks of continuous play.

12:27 – Space Jump HQ are slowly losing contact with the capsule after it was caught in a cosmic wind. It’s trajectory is now a clear path toward the Sun.

12:42 – All transmission lost.