Prem Rejects Refuse to Abandon Pompey’s Sinking Ship
Triangular-headed Portsmouth striker Nwankwo Kanu, together with a host of top earners at the debt-ridden club released a joint statement today outlining their unwillingness to give ground in their ongoing claim for unpaid wages until the board reveal the whereabouts of a haul of buried treasure stashed on a desert island somewhere in the middle of the ocean.
The move comes amid reports that the club’s Portsmouth-based liquidators have downgraded its credit status from ‘they be sailin through stormy squalls’ to ‘Iceberg, right ahead!’
Alarm was first raised over the clubs recent spate of financial woes earlier this year during an FA cup fixture in which the pitch-side energy drink bottles were found to contain sea water. Reports that the half-time corporate entertainment consisted of a one-legged pirate playing sea shanties on a broken accordian added to fears that the club was entering a phase that accountants describe as ‘ Ian Beale Territory’.
Kanu, along with other big name premiership old boys including lumbering defender Tal Ben Haim, has been holding the League 1 club to ransom with demands that he be paid his wages in full in acordance with something someone in a suit described as his ‘contractual entitlement’. Having netted an astounding 3 goals in two seasons of Championship football, the Nigerian maintains that he is still worth every penny of his contract, which, in accordance with Portsmouth Football Club’s contract policy, consists of three sentences tattooed onto the arse of that pot bellied fan with the stupid hat.
However, liquidators’ reports indicate the South Coast club’s finances, which currently resemble a crack addict’s change purse, would be unable to cope were the club to honour its contractual commitments. The likely result, according to anyone with a calculator, would be a shipwreck of Titanic proportions.
Speaking out after the criticism levelled at him on fan forums, Kanu insisted that whilst it was difficult for people to understand, he and the other top earners at the club would swear blindly that each been shown a copy of a mythical map, hidden in the depths of the Chairman’s quarters, with a massive X on it somewhere in the Middle East or China. ‘There be treasure buried out there…treasure I tell ye’ he commented after being cornered by reporters at the club’s training ground which they now share with a local paintballing club.
Portsmouth-based liquidators Sailors & Partners issued the following statement: ‘We’ve been investigating a number of strategies to save the club but at the moment all parties seem to agree that hiring gypsies to burn down Fratton Park before lodging a dodgy insurance claim is probably the only one that would ensure the club’s long term survival…so long as we let them pave the front drive once it’s rebuilt.’
Meanwhile, plans to rename Fratton Park ‘Dead Man’s Cove’ have been put on hold as the club could only pay the lawyers in old tar rope and sail sheets.