Monday gossip from Jack ‘in the know’ Howes

Who needs Perez Hilton when you’ve got Jack Howes, our even gossipier yet less flamboyant gossip Queen? Don’t tell him we likened him to Perez Hilton though, as he’s a proper nutter. Wears a Burberry cap and everything. Anyway, here’s what’s hot on the grapevine at the moment.

Ian is planning a swoop to steal the epochal feminist book The Female Eunuch from his local library. Ian, a pretentious student who spends his days lusting over women who write for The Sabotage Times, wishes to read the book to improve his feminist credentials and try to impress girls he has no chance of going out with unless they’re too drunk to care. (The Daily Mirror)

Martin is lining up a £400 bid to buy the vocoder used by Kraftwerk when they made their seminal album Trans-Europe Express. Martin, a single 50 year old OCD sufferer from Glasgow, is an enthusiast about synthesizers and owns every album, single and LP ever released by Kraftwerk, the Pet Shop Boys, The Human League and Heaven 17 (The Daily Record)

Imogen is preparing a raid on her boss’s stapler, post-it-notes and cool looking mouse mat as it’s her last day at work for her company and her boss is an ‘absolute prick’ (The London Evening Standard)

Keith is refusing to submit to work colleague Ishmael’s demand for £20 for his hiking expedition in the Himalayas to raise money for Breast Cancer Research. Keith is ‘skint’ and ‘going on a hiking expedition to raise money for charity is a load of bollocks. Can’t his money go to charity and not on smegging hiking?’ (The Independent)

Jack is keen on beating the living poo poo out of Aaron. His 6th birthday party was ruined when Aaron walked out of the house with Jack’s beloved green yo-yo with red flashing lights inside it. Aaron steadfastly refuses allegations he stole the yo-yo, insisting Jack has ‘lost it’ and that ‘his mum probably threw it away’ (The Sun)

Amy has opened the door to going out with her friend’s ex-boyfriend Jay. She has found 50 Shades of Grey ‘like really hot’ and Jay whispered in her ear on Friday night at the bus stop ‘you can be the Leia to my Luke’ while talking about his ‘very large lightsaber’ (The Liverpool Echo)

Hakan has bid £3000 for the vacant building where Blockbusters used to be on Enfield Highway, as he plans to build a large off-licence which will lose money and act as a vehicle for large scale money laundering (The Metro)

Owain is leading the race to steal his friend’s Adam fake Rolex watch, though he’s facing stiff competition from Bruce, Jack, Lewis and the tall stranger staring oddly yet menacingly in the corner of the pub they’re drinking in (The Daily Express)

Lee has told close friends he’s considering taking a brief retirement from his job as an auditor to pursue his long held dream to travel to America to visit the set of cult 1990’s TV series ‘Twin Peaks’. Lee has spent the last 20 years fantasising about the girl who played Laura Palmer and has told friends he ‘proper loves David Lynch’ (The Daily Mirror)

Dan is monitoring the situation over fellow classmate George’s somewhat ambiguous sexuality. Dan, who’s secretly gay, thinks George is ‘a gorgeous twink’ with ‘an arse that looks yummier than French vanilla ice cream’ (The Guardian)