Tuesday Gossip from Jack ‘in the know’ Howes

Really Like Football are here with their very own gossip queen Jack Howes, bringing you all the sizzling headlines before they go, like, soooo mainstream.

Brian is set to hijack the Spanish international’s ( the one with a Mikhail Gorbachev style birthmark on his head) seat on the 329 bus from Enfield Town to Winchmore Hill (Daily Express)

Ian has stepped up his bid on eBay for a CD of ‘Catatonia’s Greatest Hits’ from 89p to 95p (The Times)

Ahmed is preparing a bid to ask out the hot looking receptionist with impressive cleavage, but he’ll have to stave off interest from Duncan, the IT guy who forever wears the same Nirvana t-shirt (Daily Mail)

The vending machine on platform six of Ashford International Station’s demand for £1.70 is cooling Rachel’s interest in buying a can of Coke (The Guardian)

Keith and his son Tom are rumoured to have come to blows after Tom refused to attend his Grandmother’s birthday party. Tom issued this statement; “Nan’s house smells of cabbage and gone off milk” (The Daily Mirror)

Zac’s excessive wage demands are “a way of avoiding getting a job so he can play FIFA with his friends on Xbox all day” according to his mother Janine (Daily Mirror)

Katie is determined to keep hold of her 10 year old Ford Focus, even though a wing mirror is broken, the battery goes flat whenever it rains and the rear light she kicked when drunk only works on an intermittent basis (The Times)

James is considering taking a day off work to nurture his interest in abandoned train stations and apply to see the disused Jubilee Line platform at Charing Cross station. However, his mates could prove a potential stumbling block, as they attempt to coax him out on the town to break his dry spell of one year and three months  (The Guardian)

Jack is close to finalising his payment of £20 to Adam after initially loaning from the colleague, for a bunch of petrol station flowers he bought his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, having forgotten it was Valentine’s Day until he got to work (The Sun)

Finally, Abdul is preparing a bid for a ten-inch ‘self love’ device. The device, known as the ‘Ring Ripper’, is heavily sought after, yet still available. However, Abdul’s fears of his parents collecting the post before he gets the chance could yet unhinge the deal  (Liverpool Echo)