Tottenham chairman Levy tipped for government role

Levy

Ace Negotiator: Hard faced Levy

There is growing support amongst coalition backbenchers for George Osborne to be replaced as Chancellor of the Exchequer by Tottenham Hotspur chairman Daniel Levy.

Levy’s frugality in the transfer market has become something of legend and has led to increasing calls for him to be handed control of the UK economy. First point of order being to unscrupulously demand money back from all the subsidies and funds the UK currently contributes to.

It’s to be believed that anyone who can successfully broker a twenty million pound deal for Wilson Palacios and Peter Crouch, can surely get a few quid out of the Irish.

Levy made clear his interest in the role speaking to Really Like Football in an open and frank manner.

“I think I’m well suited for the role” said Levy, grabbing his wallet with the words ‘Bad Motherfucker’ emblazoned across the front, and slamming it onto the table.

“I don’t take crap. I’m not some wishy-washy, hinky-dink, half arsed, diet 7up negotiator.

For example, say a club has ‘cashflow problems’. Fuck you, pay me. The manager’s not sure if he wants to sign the player after all? Fuck you, pay me. Some sneaky, voyeuristic bastard journalist has got wind of a transfer deal? Fuck you, pay me. A big pile up on the M4 and the player’s been tragically killed in a car that’s so wrecked it looks like bits of old Meccano? Fuck you pay me.

I would take a similar approach if I was chancellor. You don’t want a cut in the annual subsidy to the EU Fisheries and Agriculture fund? Fuck you pay me. A party donor not paying his money as agreed? Fuck you pay me. Civil war in your country? Fuck you pay me. Lethal famine starving thousands of people to death? Fuck you pay me.”

Levy’s straightforward negotiating techniques have won widespread acclaim. Stoke chairman Peter Coates described him as being “as ruthless and as unrelenting as John Leslie in a nightclub on Fresher’s week.”

Manchester United CEO David Gill said he was “when he sees a great deal, he grabs it. He states his demands and doesn’t budge till you pay what he wants. Then he’ll ask you to pay more. Like how Kat Slater always wants more man salami, Levy always wants more money. This goes on for ages until it’s finally complete. The transfer I mean, not Kat Slater bonking an assortment of petty crooks and second hand car salesmen.”

Levy has been accused of bullying in the past and concerns were raised when a representative from the London Mayor’s office returned from negotiations with the Spurs chairman regarding the funding for urban regeneration in N17, unable to speak, swallow or tie his shoelaces.

It is thought that Levy will accept the job on the proviso that UK taxpayers are subject to a ‘Levy tax’, in addition to their current level of income taxation.

by guest reporter Jack Howes

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