Owen reveals plans to ‘Hold Out’ for Prem contract and breakthrough surgery
Part-time footballer and equine enthusiast Michael Owen has publicly declared his intention to play at the highest level next season whilst he awaits the scientific breakthrough that would see his upper body surgically fused onto the body of a living horse.
Like a dismembered baddie in a Van Damme movie who simply refuses to die, the blandest scouser in existence has once again vowed to hold out for a lucrative Premier League contract amid offers from Championship sides more suited to his actual playing abilities and injury record.
Owen’s comments have been interpreted as a ‘come and get me’ plea to anyone wealthy enough to meet his astronomical wage demands and insane enough to support his bizarre quest to become a real life Centaur. Rumours abound that Al Fayed has already put in an offer.
Tweeting from the vast stable complex of his lavish Cheshire Estate, Owen confirmed the widely reported rumours that for the last decade he has been investing his obscene wealth in a high tech laboratory situated within the underground vaults of his 13 bedroom mansion.
Flanked by a pair of thoroughbread mares it is thought that Owen oversees the operation from his ‘command centre’, being waited on hand and foot by donkeys dressed as butlers, whilst a team of scientists work 18 hour shifts through the night to complete the ground-breaking research.
In what was a rare and unnerving insight into the twisted mind lurking behind the striker’s lifeless, cherubin face, Owen outlined a business plan that was entering its final stages following years of pilfering huge wads of cash from hapless football teams in exchange for a few shirt sales, a little nostalgia and not much else.
‘Since I was boy and I watched that Narnia series on the BBC Ive been hooked on the idea!’ Tweeted the cheeky little lad, followed by a solitary ‘LOL’
Later that evening, following a series of Twitpics of his prized stallion, Michael Junior, relaxing in the paddock, Owen wrote:
‘Jst rlly wnt to gallop thru the fields with my horse mates and b free! YOLO!!!’