Vow to fight for first team place “not a joke” confirms emotional Benayoun

Yet another open top bus paraded through South West London on Monday, ceremonially welcoming professional bench warmer and borderline journeyman Yossi Benayoun back to Stamford Bridge following his loan spell at Arsenal.

Confused Chelsea supporters lining the route were quickly caught up in what onlookers described as as a ‘carnival atmosphere’ with some sections of the crowd even going so far as to blandly murmur Benayoun’s name at a moderate volume after recognising him as someone famous from the telly.

In what was a heartwarming show of indifference one supporter, who was visually intoxicated at midday on a Monday, commented “Who? Oh him…what? You mean we haven’t sold him yet? On loan? Really? Well I never. Look at my new tatoo.”


Benayoun poses for an Israeli Tag Heuer campaign

Before revealing a picture of John Terry lifting the Champions League trophy in his shin pads on his round belly.

The floppy haired winger looked visibly moved by the show of support, crying hysterically for much of the journey and screaming “NO PLEASE ARSENE DON’T MAKE ME GO BACK TO THAT HELL HOLE” before attempting to hurl himself from the bus into the crowd.

Benayoun famously won over the Chelsea faithful with his impressive combination of astute techincal ability and a raw talent for being constantly linked with other clubs, almost always as a makeweight in proposed transfers involving players who are much, much better than him.

Bafflingly, his talents are still held in high regard amongst the footballing elite with the Israeli captain ranking as the least nauseatingly offensive player on Chelsea’s books in a recent survey.

At a press conference on Tuesday the buck-toothed midfielder commented “It’s just nice to be back where I belong. And by where I belong I obviously mean on a bench in an ill-fitting shell suit, snatching the odd minute of playing time here or there in a League Cup game away at Egham Town.”

He went on, “As a midfielder I’m sure I’ll get plenty of chances in the first team this season. It’s not like the manager has many other options in that area, is it? Right?…oh.” he said, before wiping a tear from his eye and sobbing a little.